the moon seems so                     tonight.
                          close
half of its beautiful face shown.


how LOVELY.

i just had a huge hit of depression.
how could i mean soooooooo MUCH to someone one day....

today the weather was lovely.
i went swimming and i noticed eveything around me.
for the first time ever i saw how beautiful my mom has made our backyard look.
it is just amazing. soooo many flowers and plants. i was really happy with this.
i am trying to use my voice and seniority on certain subjects to get people to see. but i dont know what sort of impact i have.


my mother made me grilled cheese.
then off to sushi with miles and sarah.
the van overheated. twice.
i had to be at work in 20 min.
i had to be at work now.



but i wasnt freaking out at all.
i would usually be tense and irritated.
goodness this is a good thing!
i even laughed when miles started driving with door open and me in the back seat, waiting to fall out.
my sister finally came and picked us up.
i went to work.
we got out an hour late.
and i wasn't anxious at all.
usually i would be sooo mad we had to stay after 2 hours instead of 1.
but i wasnt at all
i just wanted the store to look nice.
man.
i dnt know hat to say
i'm so thankful.
thank you

yesterday was eventful in an uneventful way.
i got hom from san diego at about 130pm.
my mom was at work and my sister left to go to the movies.
i literally had nothing to do and i was all alone.
i would usually kill for a day like this.
but i didnt want to be alone.
and i didnt want to be with any of my friends either.
i was confused.
so i grabbed a book and my journal and went out driving.
i was hoping to find a good place to sit alone but of course this silly town is packed full of people and lacks of nice alone spots full of flowers.
i ended up at target eating pizza and reading
jeeze.
later on.
i decided to pray.
i was praying outloud and all of s sudden. i was no longer alone.
i had found what i needed.
God and i got through things that i needed to resolve.
i felt an instant sense of peace right there on the freeway entrance.
and finally i cried tears of joy.
i had no idea the answer was right in front of me the entire time.
actually, i think i did.
but i chose to do it on my own.
bad idea.
but now it is all for Him.
gosh what a relief.

i am sooo upset.
i am upset with people i thought cared about me
i am sure they think that they still do.
but honestly they are wrong.
who in their right mind would take a girl's virginity without being married?
how selfish is that?
that isnt love.
that has no inkling of any sort of presence of love.
that is lust
and....we've spent so much time together that we must be in love...and how else do you show love?....
yuck.
i feel so dirty
i HATE myself
absolutely despise myself for being so stupid.
i apologize to my husband
wherever he is out there.
he will have to have sloppy seconds.
no
not even sloppy seconds
slopyy thirds.
what a slut.

i've finally become content with the fact that things were NOT going well in my life when i thought they were.
i was living for all the wrong things.
i wasn't extreme
but i was no where near on the right path.
so now it is time to make sure that happens.
in order for me to be able to keep up with myself i have to write.
that is how i have survived in the past.
i have to start writing again
everyday
about everything
i think soooooo much
i need some sort of outlet and this seems to be the only satisfying, safe, way to do that
because i most definately cant just hold it in.
and i dont want to tell people most of the time out of fear of being misunderstood.
so
here it is.

tonight was a wierd night for me.
it started with me having $0 and 0cents in mybank account, and thenit went to ians house, where on the phone i said something to someone that i guess i shouldnt have.
i feel really bad about it. because i dont want him to think i am a bad person. because i'm not.
believe it or not i am considerate of other people's feelings, i dont like them to feel wierd or hurt because of me.

anyway.
me and ian met joseph, alex, daniel, and jaques at oasis tonight. it was pretty sucky until they played hot hot heat and the killers, then i could finally dance
yup.
tomorrow...bowling class.

i love police officers.
i dont know why either. i just do. maybe it is their uniforms.
my life has really been sort of "flyby-ish" lately, and sometimes i like it that way, because than it leaves me with less time to think and worry about things that dont need it.
i know that sounds so lame and easy, but most of the time i do it subconsiously.
but i guess i really need to stop and just consider...things.
like everything.
i dont know.
i guess i'm just confused right now. and i have the right to be. its all happening at once. gah. i need to breath!


anyway.
marcos had his first show tonight at the coffee klatch with his side project "electric Love muffin"
i am very proud of him.
he did well.
afetrward we went to dennys, duh. im kinda getting tired of that place though.
crystal and jordan drove down from san fransisco to see him play. they are good friends.

harry potter day was on thursday
it was totally awesome
we waited in line in front of edwards for 6 hours!
since 6 o clock.

but it was really fun.

sunday morning i had to be at a meeting for work at 8 am
i stopped at a dougnut shop beforehand because i was starving and the thought of sugar for breakfats sounded appetizing.
when i finally reached the dougnut shop i found that they didnt accept debit cards and all i had was a dollar
i looked to see what i could get and i could only sfford one measly thing.
the lady helping me saw the sadness in my eyes apparently and asked me what i wanted.
i told her two chocolate doughnuts.
so she put the two dougnhuts in the bag and slipped 6 doughnut holes in as well.
she asked me for my dollar and said thank you.
i was so appreciative, so just because i got free doughnuts but that she gave them to me for free.
no one does stuff like that anymore.
like a lovely shmi skywalker once said
"the biggest problem in this universe is that noone helps anyone"
why is that so true?